Saturday, September 25, 2010
Oh boy...
Since I've been back to work, little boy has been a lot more quiet/still. It makes me nervous, even though I understand that as I am up and moving more, it may be rocking him to sleep. I'm just so used to the random cervix kicks, ovary whacks, side punches, and belly button pokes. He still wiggles after meals and when I play music to my tummy. I've just noticed he's been less active...or maybe I've been so busy that I haven't picked up on all the little movements like I would have sitting at home. Oh pregnancy; you make me over think everything!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Maternity leave...
...how I long for thee.
Today was one HUGE reminder of how much I really hate my job. Let me clarify, that I don't hate the work...I hate the management/staffing (or lack there of)/favoritism/failing equipment/outdated charting systems/discount supplies/etc.
Today was only my second day back from med leave, and I already want to run screaming in the other direction! I literally came back to chaos...
When I left, there were tensions between my charge nurse/co-workers and my unit manager. However, things were still semi-normal. Everyone on my unit eventually sided with our charge nurse (I would have, but I wasn't there to take sides), which pissed the unit manager off. She is now "punishing" the unit by:
~Demoting our charge (and not replacing her).
~Cutting funding for office supplies (because she said we spend too much on pens and post-its...the only 2 items we consistently order).
~Showing favoritism to those who either sided with her or sucked up enough.
~Re-assigning 1 of our nurse assistants to another unit.
~Cutting the responsibilities of the 1 remaining nurse assistant.
~Leaving our unit without a manager (or charge) most afternoons (because she has school).
Our CNO (chief nursing officer, aka Alpha Nurse) told her she couldn't leave us without a charge...so she announces today that if we "were not capable enough to handle whatever situation arises without the help of a charge, we could then ask if the charge from our neighboring unit is available to help." Yeah...that's the way she got out of that one. Our unit secretary has been running the board for the last few weeks. I don't even know if that's legal.
On top of that bull shit; the manager just doesn't know how to manage. She was a critical care staff nurse for several years, and happen to be friends with the old CNO (who was recently fired), so when our hospital opened 4 years ago...she came on board as a nurse manager. With no management experience. Our census has been growing, and I'm guessing she's been able to fumble through it the last few years, but now that the hospital has really been picking up steam...she can't keep up. And we are feeling her stress. Somehow our unit became the bastard child of the hospital, because other people I talk to seem to like their experiences just fine.
Before starting to work at my hospital, I hadn't had much experience with the type of nursing that I'm doing. I was in school, and nursing school just didn't stress this aspect of nursing. Don't get me wrong, i'm competent in my skills, I'm just saying that I didn't get to see how other places "do it." But after having my surgery at another hospital, I understand why my unit is feeling stressed/pressured. We do twice as much work! (And no...I'm not exaggerating in the least. I went through 2 departments that do the equivlant of my job at the other hospital. Therefore, I had 2 nurses take care of all the stuff that 1 nurse does at my work.)
I've come to the conclusion that I work at an ass backward hospital, and that I need to get out. As soon as Amz legally adopts C and gets him on her insurance, I am looking for a new job. At that point, I'll have a couple of years of experience, and hopefully it won't be such a struggle to find a nursing position.
End rant.
Today was one HUGE reminder of how much I really hate my job. Let me clarify, that I don't hate the work...I hate the management/staffing (or lack there of)/favoritism/failing equipment/outdated charting systems/discount supplies/etc.
Today was only my second day back from med leave, and I already want to run screaming in the other direction! I literally came back to chaos...
When I left, there were tensions between my charge nurse/co-workers and my unit manager. However, things were still semi-normal. Everyone on my unit eventually sided with our charge nurse (I would have, but I wasn't there to take sides), which pissed the unit manager off. She is now "punishing" the unit by:
~Demoting our charge (and not replacing her).
~Cutting funding for office supplies (because she said we spend too much on pens and post-its...the only 2 items we consistently order).
~Showing favoritism to those who either sided with her or sucked up enough.
~Re-assigning 1 of our nurse assistants to another unit.
~Cutting the responsibilities of the 1 remaining nurse assistant.
~Leaving our unit without a manager (or charge) most afternoons (because she has school).
Our CNO (chief nursing officer, aka Alpha Nurse) told her she couldn't leave us without a charge...so she announces today that if we "were not capable enough to handle whatever situation arises without the help of a charge, we could then ask if the charge from our neighboring unit is available to help." Yeah...that's the way she got out of that one. Our unit secretary has been running the board for the last few weeks. I don't even know if that's legal.
On top of that bull shit; the manager just doesn't know how to manage. She was a critical care staff nurse for several years, and happen to be friends with the old CNO (who was recently fired), so when our hospital opened 4 years ago...she came on board as a nurse manager. With no management experience. Our census has been growing, and I'm guessing she's been able to fumble through it the last few years, but now that the hospital has really been picking up steam...she can't keep up. And we are feeling her stress. Somehow our unit became the bastard child of the hospital, because other people I talk to seem to like their experiences just fine.
Before starting to work at my hospital, I hadn't had much experience with the type of nursing that I'm doing. I was in school, and nursing school just didn't stress this aspect of nursing. Don't get me wrong, i'm competent in my skills, I'm just saying that I didn't get to see how other places "do it." But after having my surgery at another hospital, I understand why my unit is feeling stressed/pressured. We do twice as much work! (And no...I'm not exaggerating in the least. I went through 2 departments that do the equivlant of my job at the other hospital. Therefore, I had 2 nurses take care of all the stuff that 1 nurse does at my work.)
I've come to the conclusion that I work at an ass backward hospital, and that I need to get out. As soon as Amz legally adopts C and gets him on her insurance, I am looking for a new job. At that point, I'll have a couple of years of experience, and hopefully it won't be such a struggle to find a nursing position.
End rant.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Name Game
I just realized that I'm possessive/protective over my baby's name. We've had his name picked out for years, and now that someone else just announced that they are naming their son our son's middle name (exact same unusual spelling), I feel like if I were to announce our son's name people would think I got the idea from them. I think that's why I just refer to him as "C" on forums/blogs. I'll probably continue to refer to him by a letter indefinitely for his own protection. Much like I refer to my partner and myself by our nicknames.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Vent...
*ISSUE RESOLVED, PARDON MY VENT*
We've been fairly open (at least I think so) about our use of frozen donor sperm. So let's get real about what that means: A. We don't know our donor, nor do we want contact with our donor at any time. B. We realized from the beginning that there would be other children conceived by our donor. C. We neither encourage nor discourage some type of verbal/written contact with donor sibling parents, as long as it concerns the children in a positive manner.
So, when our donor's last remaining vials were bought and his free profile removed from the catalog, I contacted the only person who had been open on the forum about their donor (who is also our donor). I was hoping they had saved a copy of the free profile, but didn't expect anything more or less from them. They hadn't saved a copy, but we did maintain very loose contact via email. I'll admit, I liked being in contact with them. We didn't email more than 4 times back and forth, and most of that was simply concerning my son/surgery. So, I thought we'd possibly maintain this over the years, and find out about certain characteristics or medical issues concerning the kids. Maybe we will...i don't know what the future has in store.
However, something written on the forum kind of made me think I had been an intrusion into their world. Or rather, the presence of my child was irritating. Which put me off. In a thread concerning donor siblings, the person said that when they found out about another donor sibling, they were irritated/upset because they thought they had bought all the remaining donor vials.
We've both discussed that we had extra stored vials in those previous emails. Amz and I bought in bulk when we purchased sperm. We made a list of our top 5 donors, and then called up the bank and went down the list. We told the employee we wanted the donor highest on our list that had enough to bulk order. Our donor choice was #2 on our list, and the employee said that we had purchased all the open vials of our donor. We were fine with this because, frankly, we bought a billion sperm (or more). The bank we used has what are called "final release vials" which are only available to parents who have already had a successful pregnancy/live birth with that particular donor. They are more expensive, and after they are purchased, the donor is removed from the catalog. So months ago, when I saw the other person post that they'd bought the donor's final release vials, I wasn't surprised to find out that our donor was no longer available...i already knew that.
However, I never mentioned when I had purchased our vials to this other person. So, it seems to me like, this person thinks we bought our vials AFTER they bought the final release, so it's like we shouldn't have had access to the donor or something. I don't know. I could be taking this all wrong, but it put me off when I read the post.
I had always told Amz that if we chose not to have more children, or had already had a sibling for C, and we had left over vials...I would offer them to other parent's of donor siblings. I don't know now...
I just needed to get that off my chest.
We've been fairly open (at least I think so) about our use of frozen donor sperm. So let's get real about what that means: A. We don't know our donor, nor do we want contact with our donor at any time. B. We realized from the beginning that there would be other children conceived by our donor. C. We neither encourage nor discourage some type of verbal/written contact with donor sibling parents, as long as it concerns the children in a positive manner.
So, when our donor's last remaining vials were bought and his free profile removed from the catalog, I contacted the only person who had been open on the forum about their donor (who is also our donor). I was hoping they had saved a copy of the free profile, but didn't expect anything more or less from them. They hadn't saved a copy, but we did maintain very loose contact via email. I'll admit, I liked being in contact with them. We didn't email more than 4 times back and forth, and most of that was simply concerning my son/surgery. So, I thought we'd possibly maintain this over the years, and find out about certain characteristics or medical issues concerning the kids. Maybe we will...i don't know what the future has in store.
However, something written on the forum kind of made me think I had been an intrusion into their world. Or rather, the presence of my child was irritating. Which put me off. In a thread concerning donor siblings, the person said that when they found out about another donor sibling, they were irritated/upset because they thought they had bought all the remaining donor vials.
We've both discussed that we had extra stored vials in those previous emails. Amz and I bought in bulk when we purchased sperm. We made a list of our top 5 donors, and then called up the bank and went down the list. We told the employee we wanted the donor highest on our list that had enough to bulk order. Our donor choice was #2 on our list, and the employee said that we had purchased all the open vials of our donor. We were fine with this because, frankly, we bought a billion sperm (or more). The bank we used has what are called "final release vials" which are only available to parents who have already had a successful pregnancy/live birth with that particular donor. They are more expensive, and after they are purchased, the donor is removed from the catalog. So months ago, when I saw the other person post that they'd bought the donor's final release vials, I wasn't surprised to find out that our donor was no longer available...i already knew that.
However, I never mentioned when I had purchased our vials to this other person. So, it seems to me like, this person thinks we bought our vials AFTER they bought the final release, so it's like we shouldn't have had access to the donor or something. I don't know. I could be taking this all wrong, but it put me off when I read the post.
I had always told Amz that if we chose not to have more children, or had already had a sibling for C, and we had left over vials...I would offer them to other parent's of donor siblings. I don't know now...
I just needed to get that off my chest.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Nothing new...
Recovery is fairly boring. I spend most of my days surfing the i-net, playing (as much as I can) with the pups, trying to ignore the needy kitten, watching TV, and probably snacking too much. Although I'm cleared to drive, my father "borrowed" the Smart Car because he wanted better gas mileage, and hasn't "had the time" to bring it back yet. So...still stuck at home.
My manager has been hounding my friends at work to ask me if I'd ask my doctor to clear me for light duty at work by 4 weeks. My FMLA and short term disability were both approved for 6 weeks. I told my manager "at least" 6 weeks before the surgery. So it irks me that she'd go out of her way to rush me. BTW...4 weeks is next Wed. So, i'm thinking NO.
I'm definitely having "body issues" concerning my scar and the way my stomach looks as it is healing/healed. My stomach is not uniform anymore. I have a baseball sized area at the top of my incision (to the right) that kinda pooches out a little more. I call it my "alien" since the area pooched out A LOT more right after surgery, and looked like there was an alien trying to poke it's way through my stomach. So...yes...it has gone down, but not in the last week or so. I'm afraid it wont go back to normal. Also...i've always been a fluffy girl, so I knew going into this that there was a possibility of wound complications. Besides some drainage, my incision is healing well. What I didn't expect was for my surgeon not to take into account that I was a fluffy girl. So when i'm laying down (like I was on the operating table) my "spare tire" lines up nicely. But when I stand, gravity takes effect, and as Kate.Goslin once put it, I have a little "butt in the front." This pretty much bothers me more than anything else. I really don't think that's going to change, unless I loose weight/have plastic surgery. Grrrreeeeaaaat.
Baby boy is doing well. We're planning our baby shower, which will be on November 6th. We are going to wear matching shirts...well almost matching. We want all our family/friends to know "who is who." Amz will be wearing her baby blue "C's Mama" shirt, while I will be wearing my baby blue "C's Mommy" shirt. If we get a better ultrasound pic, I think we want to include that on our shirts as well...if not I'm thinking we'll put little foot prints on them. He's kicking all the time now, and it's getting stronger. I think within the next couple of weeks, Amz should be able to feel the kicks from the outside. To me, they feel like a forceful thump, but without pressing down a bit...you can't feel them from the outside. With my incision running through the middle of my stomach, Amz won't apply that much pressure when she feels for the baby; she doesn't want to hurt me.
Nothing else is really going on...all I do is sit at home and recover/grow a baby. LOL.
My manager has been hounding my friends at work to ask me if I'd ask my doctor to clear me for light duty at work by 4 weeks. My FMLA and short term disability were both approved for 6 weeks. I told my manager "at least" 6 weeks before the surgery. So it irks me that she'd go out of her way to rush me. BTW...4 weeks is next Wed. So, i'm thinking NO.
I'm definitely having "body issues" concerning my scar and the way my stomach looks as it is healing/healed. My stomach is not uniform anymore. I have a baseball sized area at the top of my incision (to the right) that kinda pooches out a little more. I call it my "alien" since the area pooched out A LOT more right after surgery, and looked like there was an alien trying to poke it's way through my stomach. So...yes...it has gone down, but not in the last week or so. I'm afraid it wont go back to normal. Also...i've always been a fluffy girl, so I knew going into this that there was a possibility of wound complications. Besides some drainage, my incision is healing well. What I didn't expect was for my surgeon not to take into account that I was a fluffy girl. So when i'm laying down (like I was on the operating table) my "spare tire" lines up nicely. But when I stand, gravity takes effect, and as Kate.Goslin once put it, I have a little "butt in the front." This pretty much bothers me more than anything else. I really don't think that's going to change, unless I loose weight/have plastic surgery. Grrrreeeeaaaat.
Baby boy is doing well. We're planning our baby shower, which will be on November 6th. We are going to wear matching shirts...well almost matching. We want all our family/friends to know "who is who." Amz will be wearing her baby blue "C's Mama" shirt, while I will be wearing my baby blue "C's Mommy" shirt. If we get a better ultrasound pic, I think we want to include that on our shirts as well...if not I'm thinking we'll put little foot prints on them. He's kicking all the time now, and it's getting stronger. I think within the next couple of weeks, Amz should be able to feel the kicks from the outside. To me, they feel like a forceful thump, but without pressing down a bit...you can't feel them from the outside. With my incision running through the middle of my stomach, Amz won't apply that much pressure when she feels for the baby; she doesn't want to hurt me.
Nothing else is really going on...all I do is sit at home and recover/grow a baby. LOL.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Soccer player...
Baby boy is kicking up a storm. He's playing soccer with my only remaining ovary! I actually saw him kick on the US monitor, and then felt it at the same time...quite mind blowing.
Cyst went off to M.D. Ander.son Can.cer Cen.ter, where they declared it as "low malignant probability." Meaning...it was/is unlikely that this cyst was/is malignant, but it was still abnormal. So...we monitor for the duration of my "reproductive career" (doc's words) and then take my girly parts as a precautionary measure when i'm done making babies. Fun fun.
I'm feeling much better...i was cleared to drive! Had some sutures removed. Still have pain when bending at the waist or twisting. Otherwise, i'm healing nicely...
Cyst went off to M.D. Ander.son Can.cer Cen.ter, where they declared it as "low malignant probability." Meaning...it was/is unlikely that this cyst was/is malignant, but it was still abnormal. So...we monitor for the duration of my "reproductive career" (doc's words) and then take my girly parts as a precautionary measure when i'm done making babies. Fun fun.
I'm feeling much better...i was cleared to drive! Had some sutures removed. Still have pain when bending at the waist or twisting. Otherwise, i'm healing nicely...
Sunday, August 15, 2010
we're okay!
surgery went well. my huge cyst was removed on 8/11. the pathology report isn't back yet, but my surgeon said it was 'borderline malignant' and said any treatment (if need be) would occur after baby was born. my stomach is smaller, but it now has an 8 inch question mark shaped incision going down the middle. the 1st thing i asked in the recovery room was how baby was doing...which i asked repeatedly until i heard it on doppler. the next day the nurses had trouble finding it on doppler (thanks to swelling and an anterior placenta) so i got my big ultrasound a week early. we now know we have a little man on the way! i was discharged yesterday but i still have about 5 weeks left till i can go back to work. i am super tired and weak, but getting stronger everyday.
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