So, I'm admitting (and seeking help for) PPD. I haven't wanted to admit that my emotional instability could be PPD for a few weeks now, but even I'm starting to realize this is something more than the baby blues.
I've had a ton on my plate starting from the very beginning of pregnancy. First my progesterone was low so I was on supplements to support the pregnancy until 13 weeks. Then I had surgery to remove a soccer ball sized cyst from my right ovary at 18 weeks. I was out of work for 6 weeks for that procedure. Then I had elevated blood pressure and was put on light duty in November until delivery.
So I knew, without a doubt, that things would be more stressful once baby boy arrived. Duh. But, once again I was bombarded with all these unexpected hurdles. I make no milk. C lost almost a pound in 4 days and became jaundice due to lack of nutrition. I have to formula/bottle feed. Not happy. He has a milk protien allergy and is put on nutramigen. Okay fine. In order to give him ANY of my ever-dwindling breastmilk I had to remove all dairy from my diet. Look it up, it sucks. However, since he's been on special formula he has had the diaper rash from hell...yes we are still fighting it. I think it's formula related due to timing and his pedi just keeps treating for yeast. I'm putting my foot down next visit. That'd be visit number 8 in 7 weeks. He has a mild form of torticollis which causes his head to stay to the right. However, his hips point right too so I'm still trying to get answers from the pedi about that.
My health is shit. 2 weeks ago I went to the ER with chest pain that was terrible and scared me to death. They said I had pleurisy. 4 days after that, I'm back in the ER puking my guts out and with abdominal pain that was so bad I couldn't stand up. Turns out pleurisy was a misdiagnosis, and the chest pain was actually pain radiating from my badly inflammed pancreatitis and multiple gallstones. So a week in the hospital on a starvation diet until my pancreas had calmed down enough to have yet another abdominal surgery.
So on top of all that, I've been having overwhelming feelings of guilt due to C's conditions...I feel like I jacked him up in utero. Then I feel like if I could breastfeed, he wouldn't be suffering from this rash. I mean he screams like we are beating him at every diaper change. The whole breastfeeding thing really has me torn up. Baby boy enjoys it and it's so calming for him, but at this point I'm little more than a milk flavored pacifier.
So after a heart to heart with my beloved OB, I'm now starting anti-depressants and possibly counseling. I feel defeated...but I don't know what else to do.
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4 comments:
Post partum hormones are quiet enough to deal with and you have so many other things to add to it. I know its a hard time for you. Hang in there and you will come out of it soon. Once the hormones settle down, the medicine kicks in, and your body gets back to normal you will feel better.*hugs*
Wow! What a lot to deal with! That sounds so overwhelming. You are already doing a heroic job and going on antidepressants does not take any of that away from you. Why not do something to take just a little of the suffering away? I am so sorry you are having to have another surgery. I hope better days are very shortly in store for you, where you just get to enjoy being a mom! (2momsadopt)
I don't think its your fault in any way. You can't control your body anymore than you can control the weather. Its just something that happens sometimes and one just has to work around it the best they can.
My cousin her little girl would get really bad gas and have problems doing her pooping when my cousin gave her the breast. In the end they were forced to switch to formula (even though she had HEAPS of milk being produced) because the result was a much happier baby.
So sometimes even though a mother feels like its her fault she can't produce milk, it isn't, and you shouldn't feel the need to beat yourself up about it.
As far as the diaper rash, i'd suggest trying to get the doctor to give you something else/try a range of stuff, i'm a nurse and sometimes what we think is needed is infact not as effective, so maybe switching to something else to treat the diaper rash might be a good idea.
But overall...I do hope you feel better soon. Life really does have a way of kicking people in the pants, but the best kind of people are those that get up even after being kicked, so don't beat yourself up too much about everything (as i see it most of it was out of your control anyways)
I have had several friends who had their gall bladders removed shortly after giving birth. I had mine out 2 yrs ago at random because it got inflamed. It sucks but removal has made me feel tons better than before.
Congrats on recognizing and seeking help for yourself!
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